Recognize It

WHAT IS IT?

It has many names: domestic abuse, dating abuse, domestic violence, dating violence, intimate partner violence, and relationship abuse.

It is caused by insecurity/fear, shame, cultural acceptance, patriarchy, learned behavior and sometimes mental illness.

It’s a pattern of coercive power and control that shows up in dating and non-dating relationships, marriages and families in the form of:

• Physical abuse (hitting, pushing, kicking, punching, hair pulling, choking, pinching),
• Emotional, verbal or psychological abuse (you’re fat, you’re ugly, no one else will love you but me, you’re worthless, etc.) 
• Sexual abuse (forced sexual acts),
• Financial abuse (using money and financial tools to exert control),
• Threats (If you leave or tell someone, I will hurt you.)
• Intimidation (yelling, screaming, throwing objects, showing weapons, using violent gestures)
• Stalking

THE STATS

1 in 4 Women
1 in 9 Men
1 in 10 Teens
are victims of abuse in a relationship.

On average, 4 women will die today at the hands of someone they once loved and trusted.
An estimated 11 children will be orphaned by domestic homicide today in the U.S.
1 in 10 young women under the age of 21 in an abusive relationship will be killed.

Someone you know may need your help right now.

THE RED FLAGS

Abusers demonstrate a pattern of behavior. Not all abusers are physically violent. Some use manipulation, emotional, mental or financial abuse to gain power and control in a relationship. Here are a few red flags:

• Insists on moving quickly into the relationship.  
• Insists that your friend/family member stop spending time with you or others.
• Yells, screams or throws objects to intimidate.
• Calls your friend/family member names or puts them down in front of others.
• Acts extremely jealous if your friend/family member talks to someone of the opposite sex.
• Constantly checks up by calling or texting and demanding to know where they have been.
• Gets violent or mad over silly things like the way the bed was made or how the eggs were cooked.
• Controls all finances without giving anyone else a say in how the money is spent.

Your friend/family member may be a victim if:

• She/he is always worried about upsetting their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.
• She/he got rid of things that used to be important to them or has stopped spending time with friends  or family members.
• Her/his weight, appearance or grades have dramatically changed.
• She/he has unexplained injuries or stories about bruises, cuts, scrapes, etc. that just do not make logical sense.

Are those being abused mainly women?

The reported statistics show that 85% of victims are female. However, this stat is based on only the reported cases. More male victims are coming forward. Every child who witnesses domestic abuse, is also a victim.

• More than 75% of women and 67% of teens who experience abuse in a relationship will never report it. Men rarely report it.
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men will be victims of domestic abuse in their lifetime.
• About 10 million children witness domestic abuse in their home each year-they are victims, too.

Why do victims stay? We should really be asking the question: Why do abusers abuse?

Every situation is different. There is not a one-size fits all answer here. The stats show that a victim leaves and goes back 7-8 times before finally making the break. Here are a few reasons why a victim stays:

• They see no options for help. While there are many shelters out there, many victims will never go to a shelter- especially affluent women.
• They have hope and deep faith that the abuser will change…especially if there are children involved.
• They are afraid they and/or their children, pets, other family members will be hurt or killed if they leave.
• They cannot financially support self and/or children on own. Afraid to lose or leave possessions behind.
• Abuser has threatened to take custody of the children. Many abusers manipulate the system so they are awarded custody or unsupervised visitation of children. There are documented cases where children have been killed on these unsupervised visitations by the abusive parent. So, many victims endure and hold on until their children become adults.
• They have a plan and are waiting for the right time to go, but the right time never comes.
• They have lost hope in the system and the abuse they endure at home is easier to swallow than the abuse they have experienced through the court system.
• They have no friends or family to lean on for support and empowerment.
• They have been so mentally and/or physically beaten down that their confidence has been stripped away.
• It has become normal to them.
• They are deeply ashamed and embarrassed and afraid of what their friends/family will say or think.